Zombie Mommies' Publications

…cheaper than therapy.

Thou needest mental help.

One reason I need to write, obviously, is that I have a desperate need for complete strangers to judge me.  The other reason I feel the need to write, and … Continue reading

Featured · 1 Comment

Follow me on Twitter, Ricky Gervais – week 2.

For those of you who missed the explanation of the contest – Follow me on Twitter, Ricky Gervais click HERE to read post.

Featured · Leave a comment

The Shhh Report – Rudolph needs a muzzle.

ZMP Shhh Spray for the TV when the Christmas toy commercials start… IN JULY! For those of you who don’t know about Shhh Spray please visit this link: Introducing Shhh Spray

September 16, 2012 · 1 Comment

Follow me on Twitter, Ricky Gervais!

I have recently joined the world of Twitter, because there’s nothing like joining something that everyone else is doing, (including your deceased grandmother) four years too late. I am following … Continue reading

September 14, 2012 · 4 Comments

There’s a special place in Heaven for daddies with girls.

It has been noted that I have two girls. When I was pregnant with Fang, I had hoped, out loud, for a boy for my husband. Inside, I wanted another … Continue reading

September 13, 2012 · 8 Comments

Eyerollasaurus

Why dinosaurs became extinct: Cautionary tales for teens, and mothers of teens. 1. Eyerollasaurus: The Teenage dinosaurs’ answer to the “no cursing at home” rule. When the mother dinosaur asked the … Continue reading

September 12, 2012 · 4 Comments

In your face.

For those of you who think I’m aggressive… you are wrong. Every day when I write my post, the autocorrect blog editor tells me I am speaking in a “passive … Continue reading

September 11, 2012 · 1 Comment

Non-dairy creamer

As I lay here on this beautiful Monday morning, stretching, and sipping on my coffee, perfectly sweetened with hazelnut cream; I can hear the garbage truck outside… and I realize that the screeching of the … Continue reading

September 10, 2012 · 2 Comments

It’s ok to wear your food.

If you have ever eaten an entire meal cooked in an Easy Bake Oven or let your daughter play make-up party with you… you are a real father! We love … Continue reading

September 8, 2012 · 1 Comment

The flux capacitor needs repair.

Awwwwee!!! It’s so cute that you think I’d like to travel back in time to highschool and sit at the popular table! Thanks for asking but I’m gonna pass.

September 7, 2012 · 2 Comments

Safety first.

I asked my son, “Virus”, to help with some chores. He decided that dusting would be something he could handle. Starting the job, he abruptly stopped and left the room. … Continue reading

September 6, 2012 · 3 Comments

Shhh Report – Every day is spa day.

“ZMP Shhh Spray” for your own mouth when your husband asks you what you did all day… because he forgot you have a baby and a toddler.

September 5, 2012 · Leave a comment

Shhh Report – Budgeting stinks.

“ZMP Shhh Spray” for your brain when you have $38 dollars in the bank until payday, and there is a shoe sale.

September 4, 2012 · 2 Comments

Biohazard: this hand has been quarantined.

When your darling 3 year old angel is in her car seat, and you hear that sweet voice saying “Here Mommy, take this,” be cautious.  No matter how much you wish it … Continue reading

September 3, 2012 · 1 Comment

Recycling is fun.

When my daughter was in the second grade, she was to bring in something that represented an oxymoron. I sent the cover of Fit Pregnancy magazine. Her teacher, my age, and mother of … Continue reading

August 31, 2012 · 2 Comments

The campaign continues… iPad 2012!

We are thinking she just needs to spell check.

August 30, 2012 · 3 Comments

ZMP “Thaaaannnnk Yoooouuu!!!” Award – Winner #1

We have the First honorary winner of the ZMP “Thaaaannnnk Yoooouuu!!!” Award. We only give this award to those who take time out of their day to pay us insults, try to … Continue reading

August 29, 2012 · Leave a comment

Shhh Report – Hurricane advisory

Warning: Do not attempt to use “ZMP Shhh Spray” at people who might be campaigning for their favorite political party, in the grocery store checkout line, to the 16-year-old cashier… while you’re waiting to pay for your … Continue reading

August 28, 2012 · Leave a comment

Holding my girls hostage

In 2007, I was living in Sweden. I had come home with my babies for the summer. First stop was Arkansas with my family, and the second was Minnesota with … Continue reading

August 27, 2012 · 7 Comments

The Shhh Report – to prevent Narcolepsy

Disclaimer: ZMP Shhh Spray is not a real product and we do not condone spraying aerosols in people’s faces… we only promote hitting the good old fashioned way… with a wooden spoon. … Continue reading

August 24, 2012 · Leave a comment

Reasons I need a lock on my bathroom door.

We move often. We buy houses like many people change underwear. I LOVE looking at houses, and picking out just the right one. I love my newest house. BUT, from … Continue reading

August 23, 2012 · 3 Comments

My children will put me in a home, if I’m lucky.

In recent days, the act of irritating and humiliating my children has reached the highest of achievements. I’m pretty sure, that if they don’t put me in a home very soon, … Continue reading

August 22, 2012 · 3 Comments

The gracious gifts I give my husband.

1. Saving the joy of our child’s science projects by telling her “No, you have to wait to open that when your father gets home… because it’s going to stink!” 2. … Continue reading

August 21, 2012 · 2 Comments

“I already regret eating that…”

1. Oreo Bones – definition: the half soggy cookie casings leftover from your child licking out the cream center. 2. Bean soup for lunch before date night. 3. The dried macaroni … Continue reading

August 20, 2012 · Leave a comment

Lies mothers tell themselves…

1. That if you can just get your kids to school, you an go home and take a nap. 2. That the reason you are being called in for a parent/teacher … Continue reading

August 18, 2012 · Leave a comment

The Shhh Report: Back to School

August 17, 2012 · 1 Comment

“I think an ipad would be better for all of us”

Note: This is a letter from ten year old “Fang” to her father typed verbatim with the exception of her signature. We feel she has a great career ahead of her … Continue reading

August 17, 2012 · 5 Comments

Introducing ZMP Shhh Spray!

Hey Moms! Do you have a mother-in-law that starts each sentence with…”I don’t want to hurt your feelings BUT…”? Do you have a husband that asks you what you did … Continue reading

August 16, 2012 · 1 Comment

May the Odds be Forever in your Favor….Fang!

My youngest daughter, let’s call her….Fang….is all about FAIR! Now, before you applaud me for raising a child full of social awareness, let me explain. This search for all things … Continue reading

August 16, 2012 · 3 Comments

The question that soon needed no answer…

Mommy, why is the dog’s hiney winking at me?

August 15, 2012 · Leave a comment

Yoga

August 15, 2012 · Leave a comment

Under Pressure

You guys have no idea what it means to be under pressure. This chick has had TWO babies, and still expects me to hold it when she laughs…sneezes…bends over to … Continue reading

August 14, 2012 · Leave a comment

It’s one in the afternoon.

One o’clock in the afternoon is a good time of the day. I’ve already had my breakfast and my lunch. I’ve completed all my household tasks, except the vacuuming. A nice … Continue reading

August 14, 2012 · 1 Comment

At least my eyebags match my shoes today.

August 10, 2012 · Leave a comment

Exaggeration… Good for the Adrenal Glands?

Many know me as creative, others as hyperactive. Some fashion me as sweet, others say quirky. I do have “some” friends…various people will say they do not like me… I’m definitely ok with that. … Continue reading

August 9, 2012 · Leave a comment

I do not lick my sunshine.

The old saying  “A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a humans” can only refer to their inability to speak profanities, because in the case of hygiene, I can most certainly tell … Continue reading

August 8, 2012 · 1 Comment

Pregnancy Survival Plan

1. Place chocolate bar near pregnant woman. 2. Do NOT make eye contact! 3. Back slowly away. No sudden movements! 4. Turn slowly in the direction of the nearest exit. … Continue reading

August 8, 2012 · Leave a comment

Underwear should have a Side A and Side B.

Woke up late today. Because I still cannot do the math on how many sprays of perfume equals a shower, I quickly decided to be a little more presentable by at least … Continue reading

August 7, 2012 · 1 Comment

Ways to get your kids to eat Broccoli…

There are many ways to get your kids to eat their broccoli. We have a few ideas for you to consider, none of which we would recommend. Note: You may … Continue reading

August 7, 2012 · Leave a comment

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